So I'm pretty sure I've mentioned briefly before that I am a single mother. (or solo if you prefer that term, or independent, whatever floats your boat).
I may be on my own, but I'm not doing this all on my own. My sons father (though a total stranger with whom fate combined me to make a baby) is involved in my sons life. That was my own doing, though some days I do get the 'oh wouldn't it be nice to own a time machine' feeling.
When I first told him I was pregnant he ran and hid. Then my conscience and my morals lead me to find him and his family, because even if he wasn't interested, his family had a RIGHT to know. I couldn't deny them of that. It would have been against my beliefs.
The road since then until now has been hard and complicated. It has been challenging, frustrating, stressful as well.
I won't go into ALL the details because I'd be here for a million years typing out each and every thing that has happened. Besides that, I have an ongoing online diary elsewhere for that purpose.
I am grateful that his father actually WANTS to be part of his life. There are many out there who don't give a damn about their own children. I am grateful that he CARES about his child and appears to love him.
I struggle with just 2 things on a regular basis.
1) shared care. actually having to SHARE my beautiful baby. I don't want to sound selfish and self centred or anything, but I hate the idea that I created this amazing child, and that I don't get to see and raise him for 100% of his life because I have to share him. That makes him sound like a worthless possession. I know it was ME who went and chased after his father to make him accountable, and convince him to get involved in his childs life. I don't regret that, because they already have a beautiful bond. It is just hard and so challenging on a daily basis.
Outside pressure from family and friends makes it harder to accept. I like to think I'm doing 'whats best' for my child (as the law would view it) and not one person I know is supportive of my decisions. They all honestly think I'm a nut job. 'if it were me I'd never put him on the birth certificate' 'i would never let him have his baby unsupervised' 'you are the mother, its up to you' blah blah blah. I'm sick of hearing it.
that brings me to my second struggle point.
2) WHAT THE HELL IS THE RIGHT THING? or the 'best interests' of the child..???
Each and every day I make decisions and choices as a parent. And most often they are unsupported by people around me. But my son is happy, his father is happy, they are getting to know each other well. But is it too much? Is it going to stuff up my childs emotional well being getting shunted between homes? Would I ruin their chance at a father-son bond if I denied him the access?
These questions plague my thoughts. I hate not knowing what is the right thing to do. I've followed my instincts all along. That is the best guide I can have.
My instincts have lead me to continue to have him involved and share care with him, although we have had our fair share of trials and tribulations. Like Wednesday, when he brought our son home 40 minutes late. I was absolutely dying inside. I was almost sick from stress. I had called my lawyer and was a few minutes away from phoning the police, if he had not turned up when he did.
He didn't care either. He 'didn't realize' he was late or some rubbish like that.
Meanwhile I was worried was he actually coming back, had they been in an accident along the way. Scariest half hour of my life!!!
My instincts have lead me to ignore him temporarily. Until we have formal plans/orders in place to prevent things like this happening again.
But I still feel uneasy about ignoring him. And once agani there is that question..
Is it RIGHT for our son?
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