Reading an interesting debate about birthing experiences tonight since I got home. There is a lot of talk about what expectant mothers do or don't want to hear.
I personally think birthing is a very personal experience. It is very individual. We own it. However in this day and age that ownership can be lost, or taken away, scared out of us, or even not given to us at all.
I am writing this with tired eyes after happily night parenting my son half of last night, then travelling an hour each way for a day of placement, so forgive any typos.
My son is 9 months old tomorrow. 9 whole months. He has been outside for around two weeks less than the time he was snuggled up in the womb.
He could very well have been in there longer. Had I known what I know now.
Being a nurse I know a lot of the anatomy and physiology of things and understand a lot about the medical side of birth and labour. My birth experience was my own, I am proud of it, I am not ashamed of it but I probably would have done things differently; had I known what I know now.
I had heard lots of stories when I was pregnant from those who had been there before. I embraced them. I welcomed them. I was happy to hear of the ones who did it well, and know that it could be done. And I was also happy to take on board when things didn't go so well.
I had gone into my labour and birth EXPECTING great things. I was prepared. I was slightly nervous but I wasn't fearful. My body was made to do this, I should know what to do. It is all natural and loads of women have done it for millions of years before me.
I was sure that I was going to ace it. I was having a hospital birth because he was my first child and I wasn't comfortable (or even sure I was able to have the option) doing it at home, and we don't have a birthing centre.
I was going to do it without any medical intervention and without drugs. If only I knew what I knew now.
I was due Oct 15th, on the friday. I was still pregnant the following Tuesday when I saw the OB. at that point I was given my first internal and I was at 1.5-2cm dilated. She performed a stretch and sweep. I thought it was uncomfortable, but it didn't hurt. If that was what labour pains felt like I was confident.
My plug started to move on the wednesday after copious amounts of walking and exercise. I wanted this baby to hurry up and get out. I was sick of being pregnant. I hadn't researched much about going over term. But I believed the things I had heard and therefore didn't want to go so far over that it was putting my baby at risk. (If only I knew what I know now).
Thursday I did a few minutes on the cross trainer and I was able to have a rest. I woke with my first real contractions. They were irregular but they were real. and they continued all day and all night. I hardly slept a wink. In the morning a shower held them at bay for a short time and I got an hour or two of sleep.
We were supposed to be going to the hospital on the Friday anyway for a post due date check up. A monitoring session or something. We packed up the stuff and headed over early. I spent several hours on the CTG.
Contractions were happening but still not really regular.
Friday evening we went to a pub for tea and they were more regular and stronger by then. It made eating a very uncomfortable experience. But I enjoyed fish and chips and salad. My last proper meal as a before birth person.
I ended up at the hospital by 10pm Friday night. I wanted to know what was happening. On reflection I wish I had taken some pain relief and tried to get some sleep. It may well have had a totally different outcome. Another internal and I was 3cm.
A few more hours of monitoring and I wasn't fitting their 'criteria' at the hospital. So they sent me home around 3am (to the motel we booked for the night). I was given temazepam and some panadeine. And they wanted me to sleep. I was already too uncomfortable to sleep. I was excited more than anything. But the contractions were hurting more and more. And staying 3-5 minutes apart.
I think I slept for about half an hour. That was about 2.5 hours sleep in two nights. I paced around as long as I physically could being about triple my normal size with fluid by now. It was uncomfortable to walk. I tried different positions, standing, sitting, laying, chairs, bed, floor, whatever. Nothing worked for very long.
Except the showers. The showers were amazing. I had about 20 of them. A bonus of the motel meant using as much hot water as I liked, and no extra charge for it :)
I lasted until 8am Saturday (8 days post partum) and returned to the hospital, knowing that I wouldn't come home without my new baby. By 10am I was still 3cm dilated. My midwife offered to break my waters and I agreed.
By this stage I was exhausted. I wanted it over and done with. I could not move like I wanted to due to excessive fluid.
Nothing much happened so at around 1pm they started the artificial drip. Wow. What a crazy idea that was!
I couldn't use the showers as it was too hard with the drip and the monitors. My mum and sister were my support people, whilst they were great being there, they weren't as active as say a supportive partner would be. I really wish I'd had that assistance (back massages etc).
I turned to pain relief because I was so utterly tired I didn't think I'd be able to physically push the baby out. I had a shot of pethidine to help me get a rest and gain some strength for later. It worked well for a little while.
Then it started wearing off, the intensity was getting pretty full on because of the drip. I was offered gas and I tried it but didn't like it. So that was the end of that.
I wanted an epidural. I was sick of the pain. I thought I could handle it. How wrong I was. If only I knew what I'd learn later.
I didn't get the epi because I had a fever (possibly reaction to the pethidine). In that moment I was shattered. However shortly after I got a fentanyl drip up for pain relief instead, I felt an incredible urge to push.
THANK HEAVENS I didn't have an epi, how ever would I have known? It was so amazing that I just knew. And the amount of adrenaline that welled up blew my mind. The contractions were no longer painful, they were intense, but they were absolutely empowering and amazing. Each contraction, each little push I was closer to meeting my son.
I was about to experience the most amazing thing in my life to date. I was so incredibly excited.
After 2 sleepless days. After 50 hours of contractions. After feeling like I could not possibly move a muscle if my life depended on it, I had the biggest surge of energy. And I pushed out my son in just 27 minutes.
Less than half an hour and he was there for me to meet. It was unbelievable.
This perfect tiny human that I created and grew inside me. All the pain was worth it.
So I'd like to say to any expecting mums, it does hurt, it doesn't tickle. The pain is what you make of it. Some people (quite a lot) say that it can be experienced as simply a sensation, a necessary part of birth, they don't even call it pain (but that doesn't mean it isn't there -and you would be naive to think it is a total breeze. labour and birth is hard work. some people just handle it so much better.).
And what do I know now?
*Firstly that babies will come when they are ready.
*That babies have come at 42 or 43 weeks without dying, or any other significant problems.
*That I could have done without so many internals.
*That the hospital follows a strict timeline and if you are at a certain point they try and push for more intervention. I was VERY close to an emergency c section, however I didn't quite fit the criteria. thank goodness!
*That my body knows what to do and I should have trusted it even more than I did.
*That if I wasn't induced I probably could have gone without the pethidine and fentanyl.
*That unnecessary intervention (induction) lead to my choices to take pain relief due to the pain being artificially induced and not trusting my body to do things in its own time.
*That the stretch and sweep was pointless in my case because I dilated very slowly over a few days anyway.
*That outside pressures and the fact that it is just so 'normalized' in our society to have epidurals, induction or drugs readily available can totally sway a persons birth experience.
*That I am certainly capable of birthing naturally, through pain (because I did in the end push him out based on instinct, and nature and sensation and an innate knowledge by my body to know what to do).
*That I am probably capable of birthing drug free if I ever have more children, and I hope I get the chance to try.
*That I am thankful I knew all the possibilites when learning about birth whilst pregnant, but that I could have done even more research and been even better prepared (though I think most of the time the first time around you can't possibly know exactly what to expect and many people would feel similarly that they did things slightly different with their first birth to how they'd want following experiences to turn out (you can only truly learn from it if you've done it)
Having said that I don't regret taking the pain relief I chose at the time. It was right for me there in that moment. I don't regret the induction or the stretch and sweep. I just learned from them and will follow a different plan if there is ever a next time for me :)
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